


On Being Honest

by cronaisawriter



Category: Boy Meets World, Girl Meets World
Genre: Abuse actually matters, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bisexual Male Character, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Gay Character, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jack hunter matters, Lesbian Character, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-05-29 15:22:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15076037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cronaisawriter/pseuds/cronaisawriter
Summary: Shawn and Katy got married on a whim in a moment of excitement and spontaneity. But life tends to catch up with people. And when the past is full of abuse, abandonment, addiction and hidden truths it hits hard.





	1. Wives

**Author's Note:**

> CW: Alcohol Abuse, past child abuse, past violence

/August 2017/  
Katy and Shawn were sitting on the couch watching stranger things. It was late and they were worried about Maya. Shawn felt panic rising in his stomach, he was generally running on high levels of anxiety and stress lately. Well if he was being perfectly honest anxiety was kind of always an undercurrent in his whole life. Maturing had just replaced anger and self-destruction with panic attacks, which he supposed were better.  
Katy was also anxious she knew her daughter was very good at getting into trouble and was slightly worried she would come home in the arm of a police officer.  
They both jumped when Maya crashed into the house.  
Both Katy and Shawn felt their stomachs drop. Maya was drunk. Katy rolled her eyes she knew this had to happen and at least she was home, and laughing not crying which was a good sign. She was also angry though she, of course, hoped Maya would be one of those kids who drank responsibly and didn’t stay out all night.  
Shawn was having a distinctly worse reaction. Panic was sitting in his chest. Memories of his stupid behaviour battered his mind accompanied by the image of his father passed out in his chair as Shawn cleaned shit up. He ran his hand through his hair looking at the floor.  
“Maya Penelope Hunter, what the hell do you think you're doing?”  
“Umm coming home?” Maya said   
“Where have you been!” Katy asked  
“A party,” Maya explained.  
“Where you thought it was a good idea to get drunk?”  
“Well, that wasn’t what I set out to do. But alcohol is fun.” Maya shrugged.  
“Maya you can’t do this you have to think before you act!”  
“It's fine. Everyone got home safe. Riley is fine, Lucas, Farkle, Smackle, Zay all fine.” Maya said as if that fixed everything.  
“I am glad you didn’t get hurt but you are 15 years old. This is illegal.”  
“So! I’m fine everything is fine. Are you telling me you never drank in high school.” Maya was now angry  
“That's beside the point. Shawn back me up!” Katy shouted.  
Shawn just stared blankly at Katy and Maya. The words they were saying not totally processing in his head. He was just too full of his past and fear.  
“Shawn!” Katy shouted.  
“i...I don’t know” Shawn spluttered and stood up and walked to their room. Where he closed the door and then had a panic attack.  
Back in the living room. Maya and Katy looked at where Shawn had been, then returned to arguing.  
“Maya! You are grounded for a month.”  
“Oh, now you want to play mom! I have done dumber stuff and not gotten grounded.”  
“Don’t you throw the past in my face we have been doing so much better. And I am your mother so you will do what I say.”  
“Fine fuck whatever,” Maya said and went to her room. She slammed the door and sat on the bed seething until she fell asleep.  
Katy sat on the couch. Screamed into the cushion and then fell asleep herself.  
\--  
Three weeks later Katy was sitting in the kitchen. She was fiddling with a bracelet Shawn had given her. She was angry at herself for the thoughts she was having. Shawn and she had not been doing well lately. He was never in bed when she woke up in the night, they hadn’t had sex in forever, he was always exhausted, on edge, and he seemed to be avoiding her. He was super attentive to Maya still, and he was kind to Katy but there was a wall or something  
Of course, the plainest reason would be he was cheating on her. When she asked him where he was the answers were either work or with Cory. She had been suspicious but it was true Shawn was with Cory. She knew it because Topanga complained about Cory always being busy with Shawn. Which left the option he was cheating on her with Cory. Which really wasn’t a crazy thought. Since Shawn had been in new york almost full time he and Cory had gotten closer which was apparently how they were for the most time they knew each other.   
Katy also knew she and Shawn had jumped into their marriage fast they had only gone on a few dates and the longest they had spent together before he proposed was four days.   
Katy was mad at herself for assuming Shawn was cheating but it was the only thing that made sense. Plus she knew he was bi, he told her that when they first went out and had Cory not been married to Topanga, Katy would have assumed he was gay.  
She had asked Shawn to come home for lunch and he’d said yes so she was there waiting.  
Shawn then came inside. He was nervous he didn’t know what Katy wanted but it probably wasn’t good.  
He sat across from her, they met eyes in silence the nervous expression mirrored.  
“Shawn!” She shouted  
“Yes?” Shawn jumped.  
“Are you cheating on me?” She rushed the anxiety in her voice loud.  
Shawn felt like he had been kicked in the gut. Why would she assume that? He had been a terrible boyfriend in the past, but he wasn’t a cheater. “No. Why would you think that?”   
“You avoid me, you’re never around And you don’t have sex with me anymore, and you're always tired and leave our bed.”  
Shawn groaned. Yeah, that was pretty good evidence.  
“And I know you and cory are special and well...”  
“Cory and I have never had sex,” Shawn said. The words “even when I wanted to” drifted through his brain but he had the good sense not to say that.  
“Then what are you doing?”  
Shawn had no idea how to explain. He actually hung out with him to sleep, and unwind. The only time he could sleep was when he was at the Matthews generally with Cory there. Cory knew him better than anyone else. The whole thing with Maya had broken the emotional lockdown he had been on since he and Katy had gotten married. Everything ran like floodgates. His anxiety was terrible, he had flashbacks again which were fucking exhausting, he almost never slept and when he did he had nightmares. Being confronted with alcohol like that had just been not good. He had also finally confessed to Cory that after he had left new york when Riley was born. He had been in an awful place spent years at the bottom of a bottle.   
/October 2002/  
Shawn was wandering around Philly. He was drunk which wasn’t unusual. Life had just spiralled so Fast. He left new york not even a year ago. He had known he would have to leave when Topanga got pregnant. It had been a ‘happy’ accident. Fuck he hated himself so much, of course, it was happy. But he knew Cory and Topanga wouldn’t need him, let alone really want him ever again. They were being exactly who Cory was meant to be. Mr all American, Teacher, 2.5 kids the whole deal. And Shawn wasn’t any of that.  
He left and worked in an auto shop in bum fuck nowhere for most of the time. One drink during an awful week turned into being known by name in both the bar and Liquor store.  
Right now though He really didn’t know where to go, but he knew his brother was there and he really needed a place to sleep. He had like no money, which wasn’t odd, but it made finding a place to sleep hard. He sighed and pulled out his cell phone.  
“Shawn?” Jack's voice said.  
“I’m in Philly. Can I stay at your place tonight?”   
“Sure. I’ll text you the address.”  
Shawn knew he was living there with his girlfriend, Eleanor or something like that. Shawn hadn’t seen Jack in person since he left for the peace corps, but they had talked on the phone some since he had gotten back. Shawn was pretty secretive about his life. Which was easy considering there wasn’t really much of one. But Jack had lots to say. He was working at a Philly branch of the company his dad worked for. Girlfriend, house, fancy job, fancy car, loving parents it was so perfect it gave Shawn a migraine.  
Shawn hit the knocker and he was greeted with His brother smiling face which quickly fell.  
Jack felt sick. Shawn looked like hell and was literally swaying he was so drunk.  
“Come in,” Jack said, his voice low.  
Shawn came in. Hating the disappointed look on his brothers face. Shawn hit the couch the moment he reached it.   
“Shawn, what are you doing here?” Jack snapped.  
“I need somewhere to sleep.”  
“What are you doing in Phili?”  
“Why don’t you ask what you actually want to know?”  
“Fine, Why are you drunk off your ass!” Jack yelled.  
“There we go!"  
"Shawn." Jack groaned.  
"I don’t really know man, I have been for a while now.”  
“Didn’t we go through this like years ago?”  
“Yeah because my life has been on an upward path since then.”  
“Shawn.”  
“Look can I just sleep?” Shawn said.  
Jack tried to think of something to say.  
Shawn’s brain was swimming and exhausted so his eyes were already closing.   
Jack looked down at his little brother. He sighed, Shawn knew better than to drink, but looking down at his brother he couldn’t bring himself to be angry anymore, he just felt pity and worry.  
/2017/  
Shawn looked at Katy. He didn’t want her to know about that. and he certainly didn’t want to talk about Chet. The whole time they went out he had given only the most whitewashed version of his parents. It wasn’t worth it, he didn’t need her to know that and he definitely didn’t want Maya to know any of it. She actually thought he was worth something he didn’t want to lose that.  
“I go to cory to calm down,” Shawn said a version of the truth was best. “My anxiety has been really bad, and he helps me deal.”  
“Shawn you can talk to me. I’m not going to judge you for anxiety. I get where you're coming from. You forget I know what it's like to get left, and not have money. I know it's different a husband and parents, but I get it, I understand”  
Shawn resisted a laugh. She really didn’t but that was his fault for not being honest.  
“Talk to me, Shawn. I deserve that.” Katy said taking his hand.  
“When Maya came home drunk. It freaked me out. I don’t have a very good history with alcohol.”  
“Does anyone?”  
“Mine is extra shitty. I had a problem with drinking too much for a while, it got pretty bad. Like going to AA bad” Shawn explained.  
“Oh,” Katy said.  
Shawn wants to scream. The disappointment in her eyes was something he never wanted to see.  
“I’ve been good for a really long time.” Shawn said desperately, “The wine on our first date, and the champagne on our honeymoon are the only drinks I’ve had in years.”  
“Shawn, you didn’t think I deserved to know this before we got married?” Katy said standing up.  
“Katy i... want you and Maya to like me,” Shawn explained, not really knowing how to say it in a way that didn’t sound pathetic.  
“I just think I should know before I marry an addict,” she said angrily and stormed from the house.  
Leaving Shawn to stare at the door. He had no idea what happens next. He had worked so hard to try and not be his father, not be his mother. Be someone they could depend on. But he’d just fucked it up like he did everything.  
\----  
Katy got to Topanga's. She hadn’t known where she was going and just ended up here. To her relief, Topanga was sitting filling out some papers at the table.  
She walked in and sat across from her.  
“Katy your shift doesn’t start for over an hour,” Topanga commented.  
“I know. I just couldn’t be at the apartment.” Katy sighed  
“Why?”   
“Shawn and I are, well im fighting I’m not sure what he’s doing,” Katy said.  
“Okay, explain,” Topanga said closing her binder and placing it in her bag.  
“Well Shawn never really fights, he’s allergic to conflict or something.”  
“Shawn?” Topanga laughed.  
“Why he hasn’t always been like that?”  
“No he and Cory fought at our wedding,” Topanga deadpanned.  
“He ruined your wedding?”  
“Well not ruined just well made it special.” Topanga didn’t care, it had been the three of them for years and change was hard. At this point, it was a bit of a funny memory.  
Katy sighed, she didn’t really know him, did she?  
“Okay, why were you fighting not fighting.”  
“Well, I thought he was cheating on me.”  
“Oh. With who?”  
“Cory,” Katy said uncomfortably.  
“Yeah, I see that,” Topanga said.  
Katy was very glad Topanga hadn’t been mad about that.  
“Turns out he was hiding things from me though.”  
“what? He’s very good at that.”  
“His problems with alcohol.”  
“Ah,” Topanga said. Leaning back. Oh Shawn why would you lie about that? Well, she knew why. He was paranoid about being left, and being an alcoholic was a great way to get left. He hadn’t even told Cory how bad it had gotten till this year.   
“He isn’t drinking or anything. It’s just how could he not tell me?”  
“What was his excuse,” Topanga asked. She was angry, Shawn was going to fuck this up and he really needed to not do that. Maya and Katy deserved better.  
“He wanted us, me and Maya, to like him,” Katy said scoffing.  
“What are you going to do? Want me to go knock some sense into him?”  
“Yeah actually, I don’t want to do it. I’ll melt, give in, he needs someone to get him to think.”  
Topanga nodded.  
\--  
Topanga opened the door to Katy’s apartment. Shawn was sitting at the table his head on the table.  
“Shawn Hunter!” Topanga yelled.  
“You here to yell at me?” Shawn mumbled.  
“Yes.”  
“Go ahead.”  
“What do you think you're doing! Lying to her? Making her think your cheating on her? Are you trying to ruin your best chance at being happy?”  
“No, I’m not trying to ruin anything. I didn’t tell her all that shit because I wanted it to work.” Shawn said standing up retreating instinctively.  
“Telling the truth is how you make things work dumbass.”   
“How do I tell her all that stuff. Like she knows I’m damaged from being left but does she really need to know the rest of it? She doesn’t need to know. I don’t want her to think I’m not good enough.”  
Topanga sighed. Remembering things she had not thought of for a long time.  
/January 2001/  
Topanga, Cory and Shawn were laying on the ground of their apartment finding patterns in the stains and cracks in the ceiling of their shit apartment.  
Topanga kept glancing at Shawn. She had been taking a psychology class at college. They had just finished a unit on child abuse victims. She had known for a long time that Chet and Verna Hunter were shit parents, and his birth mom was not any better. But when reading through she had just seen so much of Shawn. She was worried worse things might have gone on. It just made her skin crawl thinking of something really bad happening to Shawn. He was family.  
“Shawn, can I ask you something?”  
“Yeah,” Shawn said sitting up.  
“Did anything, besides being left, ever happen with your dad?”  
“What do you mean?” Shawn asked tensing.  
“I mean, well, I was in class and we did a unit about child abuse.” she stumbled.  
Shawn stood up and placed his hands on his hips staring at the floor.  
“Shawn I know you don’t like to talk...but you can tell us.” Topanga murmured  
“I mean he was a jerk a lot of the time. Yelled a lot, I mean he just seems like a bumbling idiot but he could get really mean.” Shawn said. Not really sure why he was telling them this, he never had in the over a decade he’d known them.  
Cory took his hand.   
“But like I deserved it most of the time, I was stupid ya know. It was just hard when he fought with Verna, I like loud music loud fighting is less fun.”  
Topanga felt bad, Shawn could be an idiot but she didn’t like the implications of his words.  
“ I mean having things thrown at your head kinda sucks, and people think of the most interesting insults when their drunk,” Shawn said, the edge in his voice rising, the words came out before he really had thought them through. “It’s just not good when your own father calls you stupid, and crazy, and then doesn’t even remember the next day. And I mean when Verna was there he mostly took it out on her, but she wasn’t there very often. He hit me a few times but it...” Shawn stopped he was breathing heavily as he faces screwed in an expression that looked like he was about to scream but also vomit.  
Cory pulled him into a hug, letting Shawn dig his face into his shoulder.  
Cory didn’t know what to say. What do you do with that information?  
Topanga stood up, She was right Chet had abused Shawn. She was usually very proud of being right, but in this case being wrong would have been much better. Part of her felt bad for how she had treated him sometimes, it wasn’t like she knew. She supposed she just assumed it wasn’t bad like this, they just didn’t get along she just had never even thought.  
She glanced at Cory over Shawn's back.  
He looked so hurt. Topanga did wonder a bit how Cory had never known this, but Cory had a habit of being oblivious sometimes by choice.  
Shawn pulled away.   
“I don’t know why I said all that. I mean it's not like it matters he’s dead. And like I said it was my fault. I wasn’t good ya know?” Shawn said.   
Topanga sighed, he didn’t deserve that, how did he think he deserved it.  
“Shawn, you are good enough. I think your good enough, Topanga does, my parents, Eric, Jack, Feeny.” Cory said placing his hands on Shawn's shoulders.  
“Yeah,” Shawn said,   
They stood in a small circle Cory’s hand drifting down to hold Shawn's hand.  
“Chinese food?” Shawn said after he caught his breath.  
“Anything you want,” Topanga replied.  
/2017/  
“Shawn I know you don’t like to talk about stuff. But she should really know.”  
“You used your freaky brain to figure shit out, I didn’t tell you.”  
Both of them dancing around the words. The word abuse wasn’t one people like to use or hear. Shawn never used it out loud. Shawn also another secret he had not told anyone besides that therapist and Jack. It was just not something he knew how to say to people. But at that moment it all came flooding back. It had been a long time ago, that whole centre thing. The man who ran it was more of a creep than anyone knew. Rape he supposed would be the word for what happened. But how the fuck do you tell people that, the answer was you don’t in Shawn's case. He had hidden it deep down for years. But losing Cory, his tie to reality had been bad. It had made it flood back. It had just been so fucked and he had just fallen apart.  
He didn’t want Katy seeing him like that. Panicked, scared, broken, messed up. That wasn’t who he wanted her to see him as. And the thought of Maya ever knowing him like that. The scared kid, the fucked teenager, the man stumbling in and out of bars. He wasn’t that any more. Well, at least he didn’t want to be.  
“Shawn. You don’t have to be ashamed. It wasn’t your fault.” Topanga said.  
“You don’t believe that. You know I was a terrible boyfriend, I pushed Angela away, I was the one who chose to drink like that.”  
“You’ve done dumb things. But your not a bad person. Maya worships you, Shawn, don’t let her down.”  
“That's what I’ve been trying to do. I don’t fight with Katy, I mean I did today, but I don’t. I don’t yell or anything. I’m trying so hard to not be him.” Shawn said.  
Then Shawn collapsed into a panic attack.  
Topanga looked at him. He had seen Shawn break down before, but this was still hard. She was mad at him for what he was doing to Katy, but watching her friend be so scared was still sad, she still loved him.  
“I’m going to tell Katy to come back,” Topanga said softly when Shawn seemed to have child somewhat. “I’m going to tell her to give you another chance. But you have to do better. You have to make sure you’re good enough for her.”  
Shawn nodded.  
Topanga left. She stood on the other side of the door. She let out a shuddered sigh, everyone pretend the worst things in their lives didn't exist, but maybe sometimes they shouldn't.  
\--  
Katy was working. She had figured she could let the other girl go home early she had to do something why she waited.  
Topanga came to her.  
“Are you okay?” Topanga asked.  
“ I don’t know.” Katy sighed.  
“Give him a second chance,” Topanga said.  
“Being an alcoholic is a pretty big thing to hide,” Katy said.  
“Yes, and I told him off. But Shawn is a good guy. He didn’t want to hurt you.”  
“You're a little biased you know.”  
“Yes. But I’m the only judge of character you got. Cory is even more biased.”  
Katy let out a short laugh.  
“I know. I wasn’t going to kick him out. He has never been anything but good to Maya. And me.”  
“He is trying, he has never really done this having a functional relationship before.”  
“What about Angela?”  
“That wasn’t anything close to functional. They loved each other but..”  
“I get it.”  
“I’m not saying don’t be happy for his sake. But he really is a good man.”  
\---  
Katy got home to see Maya explaining some complicated social thing to Shawn. A so and so broke up with so and so type story.  
“Hey.”  
“Mom! There is an art show next week. Can I be ungrounded that night?” Maya said flashing her a big smile.  
“Yes. Your almost ungrounded anyway.”  
“Ha told you she’d say yes.” Maya teased Shawn.  
“Hey, I just said you had to ask her,” Shawn said mock defensive  
Maya rolled her eyes.  
As they ate dinner Maya could feel the tension. It had been there since the whole party incident. But it was really bad that night. Shawn and her mom wouldn't even make eye contact. Something was wrong. She felt a sense of dread.  
“What's wrong with you two?” Maya asked hiding her fear in anger.  
“What do you mean?” Katy said putting on her everything will be fine even when it won’t smile.  
“You know what I mean. You’ve been off for a while and it's bad tonight.” Maya said,” you said it would be okay that's what you guys said. You said you wouldn’t leave.”  
Shawn looked at Katy as if asking if he was leaving.  
“No one is leaving,” Katy said.  
Shawn turned to Maya. “ I have no intentions of going anywhere. I never want to hurt you.”  
Maya nodded. “Something is still wrong.”  
“We had a fight earlier. But it is going to work out.” Katy said.  
“Fights don’t end well,” Maya said.  
“Adult relationships are supposed to weather fights,” Shawn explained.  
Maya nodded thoroughly unconvinced,”I’ve got homework.” She said and left.  
Shawn looked at Katy.  
“We’ll talk when Maya isn’t here. I understand you don’t want her to know whatever it is you haven’t told us.”  
Shawn nodded, grateful.  
\--  
A week after Shawn was sitting on the ouch bouncing his leg up and down. Maya was no longer grounded and was out with Riley as she had been waiting to do. Both girls had been grounded so they were stressed without each other. A feeling Shawn was familiar with. He was going to tell Katy about his anxiety junk and his father. It should be enough info that she would feel read into everything.  
The door unlocked and Shawn breathed deeply. Katy placed her bag down and walked over to Shawn.  
“You wanted to talk?” Katy said  
“Well, actually you want to talk. But yes..”  
“what ?”  
“Ahh, I umm. The reason I’ve been avoiding being home, I’ve been having lots of panic attacks, and flashbacks and I don’t want you to see me like that.”  
“Shawn that's stupid,” Katy said.  
“Sure. but the other reason I kind of fell apart after the party thing, was my dad was also an alcoholic, something I got from him.”  
“Oh,” Katy said.  
“And he was, not always a good father. When he was home or not.”  
“What happened.”  
“Yelling, fighting, insults, throwing things, he hit me a few times. I don’t know bad stuff.” Shawn strained.  
Katy breathed deeply. That kind of not good.   
“You should have told me this Shawn.”  
“Would you have married me?” Shawn asked meeting Katy’s gaze for the first time in the conversation.  
“I don’t know, but I’m mad at you for not telling me. I’m not going to mad at you for having a terrible father. I’m not an asshole.”  
Shawn sighed. It was nice she wasn’t mad at him for being whatever it was he was. But her face was frustration and pitty. Shawn didn’t like pitty. Anger was better he understood anger.  
“Shawn you have to be honest with me. I’ll work with you.” Katy said  
“You shouldn’t have to,” Shawn said.  
“Yes, Shawn. If you're honest with me, if you work with me. Love goes two ways and only works if everyone is on the same page. Love is work but it’s good work.”  
“How would you know?” Shawn said, knowing it was a dick thing to say. But considering her only long-term relationship had gone down in flames it felt like a fair thing to say.  
“My parents did, my mom still tells me that stuff, I believe her we were never Norman Rockwell but we were happy. I want that for Maya.”  
“I do too,” Shawn said taking Katy's hand.  
“So talk to me. And on your end, you need to be a co-parent.”  
“What does that mean?”  
“It isn’t exactly fair that you always end up to the good guy in Maya’s eyes.”  
“What?”  
“You never I don’t know do the bad cop stuff.”  
“Oh.”  
“And you don’t have to always agree with me on things. If we don’t talk we will drift farther apart. I don’t want to lose you, Shawn.”  
Shawn nodded his head. Shawn would work harder, but how was he supposed to deal with everything? He had gotten very good at the pretend shit is fine skill, and now she knew it wasn’t fine.


	2. Brothers and Daughters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shawn and Maya realize they have another thing in common. They go on a trip to see Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Past rape noncon, Police mention, Homophobia

The hunters and Matthews were outside the school auditorium as the kids left a talent show, Maya thought it was dumb but Riley wanted to so she did too. They roped in the rest of the gang as well. Maya and Riley came over dragging Lucas with them. Riley was telling some story when Shawn noticed Maya's face. She was starring over at the couple. Shawn had, of course, heard the story of the whole Lucas/Riley/Maya love triangle. But he noticed Maya was definitely staring at Riley, not Lucas. It was the look you gave your crush. Shawn internally sighed, of fucking course, Maya was in love with Riley. They were so alike, right? Shawn thought back to the other times he’d seen them together, and over the past months, there was definitely “I’m crushing on her” behaviour from Maya. It was so obvious how did he miss it?   
\--  
Shawn was by Maya's door when he heard crying. She was curled on her bed. Shawn walked over and sat next to her.  
“What's wrong?” Shawn asked.  
“You couldn’t understand,” Maya mumbled.  
“Try me.”  
Maya sat up and whipped her face with her sleeve. “I have a crush...god that sounds like such a dumb problem.”  
“Crushes suck. But....”  
“It can’t work out.”  
“Why?”  
“They're with someone else.”  
“We’re talking about Riley right?” Shawn said she was avoiding pronouns, he should just let her know he knows.  
“what? No.” Maya said unconvincingly. How did he know? Was he okay with it?   
“Maya I can tell. I’m not judging.”  
They looked at each other for a long moment. Till Maya flinched and started ranting.  
“’It’s so much more though I’m in love with her. And I can’t tell her and I can’t have her. You don’t get that, she’s my best friend, I can’t lose her.” Maya said her brain racing.  
“Maya deep breath, calm down,” Shawn said placing his hands on her shoulders.  
“You don’t get it,” Maya repeated  
“I know being in love with your friend.” Shawn   
“You had a thing for Topanga?” Maya said sounding confused.  
“God no. I was in love with Cory.” Shawn explained.  
“What? Okay, one, that makes sense, two your what?”  
“I’m bi.”  
“Does mom know?”  
“She knows I’m bi. But she doesn’t know, well we’ve never explicitly said, that I was in love with cory.”  
“How did you get over it?”  
“You don’t want to do it the way I did.” Shawn sighed. Drinking yourself half to death and having lots of dumb sex was not how Maya should fix this, “You know you can tell your mom, and your friends you like girls. Your generation is really cool about it, and the Matthews love you.”  
“Do they know about you.”  
“Yeah, no,” Shawn said with a half laugh.  
“They love you.”  
“They’ll want to know when I knew and why I never told them. That would include either telling them I was in love with Cory or lying.”  
“Same reason I can’t tell them. I know you guys aren’t going to be mad, well I think, but it's still scary and I can’t tell them I love Riley things will be different. And things are finally actually okay.” Maya said tears falling from her eyes again.  
Shawn brought her into a hug.  
\---  
Maya and Katy were sitting at the kitchen table the week before Thanksgiving. Shawn walked in.   
“Okay I have something to tell you my brother said, Well I should just read the message;  
‘Shawn, how could you not tell me you have a daughter? You just text me to ask about...stuff...and just casually mention a daughter? and you're married? You should tell your own brother stuff. I’m meeting them, you are coming for Thanksgiving, or I will come over there myself.”  
“So we’re going to meet your brother for Thanksgiving?” Maya said.  
“I mean we don’t have to. But I really should.”  
“It sounds nice, a real family thing,” Katy said smiling but apprehensive.  
Shawn nodded  
On Thanksgiving, the Hunter’s were driving to Philadelphia. Shawn was nervous. He and his brother were not really close. Shawn went to see them, mostly because he felt he owed it to his brother for taking care of him when he was at his low point.   
/February 2005/  
Shawn was laying on Jack’s couch. Jack sat next to him. Shawn came by a lot. Mostly because jack asked him too. Jack was trying to tie Shawn down in a way, keeps him from falling off the face of the planet. He had mostly given up trying to really help him, it killed him but at least Shawn was okay.  
“You know you talk in your sleep.” Jack sighed, “I Forgot that.”  
Shawn sighed.  
“You dream about cory a lot,” Jack said, prompting Shawn to talk to him.  
“Is that really a surprise?”  
“No.” Jack thought for a moment, “Were or are you in love with cory?”  
“Yeah and?” Shawn grumbled.  
“Yeah makes sense.”  
“I didn’t fall apart just because I can’t bang my best friend.” Shawn defended  
“I know that. But at least I feel observant.” Jack, “It’s those damn Matthews though they get you.”  
“What?”  
“I had a thing for Eric in college.”  
“Damn Matthews,” Shawn muttered bitterly.  
“Shawn..I’m worried about you.”  
“You say that whenever I’m here.”  
“Well, kid you're a fucking mess.”  
“Hmmm.”   
“Let's eat something,” Eleanor said.  
Shawn groaned but stood up. Refusing food would give Jack more ammunition to try and fix him.  
After dinner, Shawn was watching tv.  
“You are getting help,” Eleanor said as she sat next to Shawn.  
“What the fuck do you know about it.”  
“I know you're too smart to be doing this. I know worrying about you is tearing your brother up.”  
Shawn just breathed loudly.  
“He’s scared and keeps saying he has to do something about it. But he’s worried if he does anything you wouldn’t trust him ever again.”  
“Why does he care?”  
“Because your brother can be an idiot and a prat. But he’s a good person and feels some responsibility for you.”  
“I don’t need someone responsible for me.”  
“You have no one else, and he loves you,” She said plainly and stood to leave.  
“I do too.”  
“Do what?”  
“I love him,” Shawn said.  
“Then do something about it.” She demanded and walk away.  
/November 2017/  
The door opened on the house and James was standing there the younger over his brother kids.   
“Shawn's here,” James yelled.  
eleanor came to the door.  
“Come inside.” She stood for a second looking at them, “You must be the famous Maya.”  
“Famous?”  
“The last times he came by you were all he wanted to talk about.”  
Shawn blushed and Eleanor laughed.   
“You must be Katy. You actually got Shawn hunter to stay in one place quite the accomplishment.”  
The charm was on at 10000% which aggravated Shawn a bit. However, the girls found it funny.  
Oliva came over.   
“Hey cuz,” She said barely looking up from her phone at Maya.  
“Hi,” Maya replied  
“Come back, James! Olivia!”Eleanor called  
The two kids came back.   
“Introduce yourselves.”  
“I’m Oliva, I’m fourteen, I’m a Sagittarius, I like long walks on the beach,” Olivia said sarcastically  
“I’m James! I’m nine and im a Simisage” James said.  
“That’s a pokemon.” Olivia chided  
“I’m Eleanor, Jack's wife,” Eleanor said.  
They sat on the couch.  
“Wheres jack?” Shawn asked.  
“Apparently if you're a CEO you can call a lawyer on national holidays,” Eleanor explained.  
Shawn nodded rubbing his hands on the rough denim of his pants. He wanted to get whatever confrontation was going to take place out of the way.   
They watched the parade. Maya fiddled with her phone, not really doing anything just scrolling to scroll. She kept eyeing everyone around her. It was unsettling everyone acting like this was perfectly normal when it wasn’t. Shawn was biting his lips so hard it was going to bleed. Her mother kept trying to make polite conversations with the other mother but they kept getting stuck and just sitting in silence for a while longer. Oliva was also on her phone and James was on some gaming thing.   
“I’m going to cook,” Eleanor announced   
“I’ll help!” Katy said.  
The kids and Shawn were left in the living room.  
“So, uncle Shawn. Been anywhere cool recently?” Olivia asked after an awkward moment of car commercials.  
“Uhh, I’ve mostly been in new york.”  
“Right. Well, I think you should let me come to see you. I’ve never been to the actual city just my grandparents summer house.” Olive said.  
“I could see the giant lady.” James said, “I have to learn her stupid poem every year but I bet it's better in person. I like it best when in movies she comes alive or gets destroyed and stuff.”  
“Maybe,” Sawn said.  
“It’s not that great once you’ve been there forever. But some of the stuff is cool.” Maya said. Trying to be a part of what was going on. She didn’t really want to be hated by her family.  
“Yeah. But all we got is a stupid bell.” Oliva said, “and like places dead people lived.”  
“Mr Matthews would hate you saying that. He’s my history teacher. He loves history.”  
“You mean Cory?” James said.  
“You know Cory?” Maya said confused.  
“Shawn talks about him a lot.” Oliva said, “You and Cory are like all he talked about last time. I like it better when has stories about cool cities or stuff like that. But no he’s obsessed with you people.”  
Shawn’s face went red, and Maya laughed he face flushing and eyes lighting up.  
Jack came inside. And ripped his suit jacket off with a huff.  
“I hate those people. You can’t just call people in on holidays, I don’t care if you need your insurance to cover black Friday deaths.” He grumbled.  
“Hey, Jack.” Shawn.  
“Shawn!” Jack said.  
The brothers shared an awkward hug.  
The wives came back into the kitchen.  
“Umm jack, this is my wife Katy. And my daughter Maya.”   
“Hey, I’ve seen you before.” Maya said, “you were at my school dance with Eric!”  
“Yeah I was”  
“Okay, what?” Shawn said looking between them for clarification.  
“I was sent to go lawyer Eric and then somehow I got wrapped into some Matthews thing.”  
“Ah, the dreaded Mathews’ things,” Shawn said with a smile.  
“It was during the whole Lucas thing,” Maya explained.  
“Rachel?” Shawn asked.  
“Yup.”  
Shawn just nodded.  
“Sooo.”  
“Let's talk,” Jack said pulling Shawn into the backyard.  
Katy and Eleanor went back to the kitchen, and the kids sat back down.  
\--  
Katy mostly just stood to the side getting things while Eleanor cooked. She had started the turkey before they got there, and a whole bunch of things were prepped and prepared. The whole thanksgiving sha bang.  
“So, Whos Rachel?” Katy asked.  
“Jack’s ex-girlfriend they went into the peace corps together, I think Eric Matthews liked her too,” Eleanor explained.  
“Ah.”  
“How is Shawn?” Eleanor asked turning to face Katy.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, it's mostly been radio silence for a year. And it scared the hell out of Jack.”  
“Why? I thought Shawn just kinda did that.”  
“Not with Jack actually, I mean physically yeah they are distant. And they aren’t like good at feeling. But He generally makes Shawn check-in. Make sure he's not dead or in jail or something.”  
Katy felt confused. Even with what Shawn had told her in the past months she didn’t really picture him as a guy who someone would think that about.  
“Why would he think that.”  
“There was like three years where he kind of just showed up, not doing well...You don’t know this?” Eleanor asked.  
“Well, no.”  
“Fuck,” Eleanor muttered to the floor.  
“Wow.”   
“What?”  
“You look like you fell out of a 50’s sitcom its funny to hear you curse.”  
“I’m not Donna Reed.”  
“Yeah.” Katy laughed.  
They looked at each other and smiled.  
“But seriously what happened?”  
“Like I said, he would just show up broke and drunk. Probably high a few times I don’t know. He looked like death. We tried for a while to get him to fix it. It didn’t work, well until we got married actually. He was there, he managed to not mess anything up. But when we got back from the honeymoon he had gotten himself help. He never told Jack why. When he was over here meeting oliva when we adopted her, he told me he got sober because he didn’t remember the wedding when he woke up the next day.” Eleanor felt a familiar Shawn related feeling, anger and sadness. His face when he told her that was pathetic, but her damn compassion had made her glad he was safe.  
Katy glanced at the floor then turned to chop the vegetables. Eleanor cleared her throat and turned back to the stove.  
A few minutes passed and Katy turned back.  
“So, what do you like to do?” Katy said awkwardly.  
“I own a flower shop. I know not helping the whole donna read thing.”  
“I mean owning a business is very 1990s sitcom.”  
“Thanks. so...What do you do?”  
“I work at our friend's cafe.”  
“Cool. Shawn talked a lot about Maya last time he was here. He loved her art.”  
“Yeah, that is her thing. I never was good at that.”  
“Oh my god. My kids are obsessed with computers James keeps trying to teach me to code.”  
“I would die computers baffle me.”  
They cooked and talked after that, the ice was broken.  
\--  
Maya and the other kids kept themselves distracted.  
“What's Shawn like as a dad?” James asked.  
“What do you mean?” Maya snapped.  
“Chill, I’m just asking,” James replied.  
“He’s fine. Really cool, and he cares about me.” Maya said bringing he legs in and crossing her arms.  
“Does he bring you cool stuff when he comes from trips?” Olivia asked.  
“No, but he buys me clothes and school stuff,” Maya explained.  
“I guess that makes more sense. Cool gifts are more uncle things, dads have to do boring stuff.” James said, “ugh low battery”  
James stomped up the stairs.  
“How often does Shawn come here?” Maya asked.  
“Not that often, once or twice a year. Except he’s not been here for over a year. And didn’t call much.”  
“How do you know he hasn’t called?”  
“You can tell when Shawn calls,” Oliva said like it was a fact.  
“How?” Maya probed.  
“Hmm,m Dad gets all strange for a bit, he and mom talk about if he sounded okay yata yata.”  
“Why would they do that.”  
“I don’t know the whole story. But it's because your dad had like issues and stuff. Pretty sure they think he’s going to lose it again” Oliva clarified  
“What?” Maya said more to herself. She supposed it made sense that he had problems, she knew she had and people probably thought that about her. But it was still odd to hear someone say that about Shawn. She had seen him fight with Cory which was strange when your 30 something but she wouldn’t say she ever thought he would lose it.  
\--  
Jack and Shawn sat on the porch not really looking at each other. Jack was upset, Shawn hadn’t called him like he normally would, or check-in. God that made jack sound like his parole officer or something. Which wasn’t true, except he had gotten Shawn out of jail once, but that was years ago.  
/August 2003/  
Jack drummed on the table in the police office main entryway. He was getting his brother out on bail. Honestly, it really wasn’t surprising, but it was also a bit humiliating for both of them. Shawn had no one else to call. Well technically not true they knew Amy and Alan would probably come to get him, and Cory would for sure. But Jack had become the acceptable person to see Shawn explode, which Jack thought was fucking bullshit. Shawn should let someone else clean up his fucks ups once in a while. Jack often felt like screaming at Shawn that he was going to kill himself or turn into Chet or some other bullshit. Well at least with the sex Shawn was having he couldn’t get anyone pregnant.   
Shawn came out he kind of stumbled laceless shoes were hard to walk in. He got in the car with Jack and the drove down the road not saying anything.  
“Shawn, why the hell did you think it was a good idea to start a bar fight?” Jack scream when as they sat idling in traffic.  
“He wouldn’t stop touching me,” Shawn grumbled.  
“Don’t you go to bars like that to fuck anyway!”  
“Oh yes, gay bars are only for sex I couldn’t possibly just want a fucking drink.”  
“Shawn you can’t just hit people.”  
“I didn’t mean to start a fight I just freaked out,” Shawn shouted  
“That's not an excuse.”  
“People shouldn’t touch you if don’t want them to. “ Shawn said quieter.  
Jack seethed. Then he noticed Shawn was crying. He had only seen his brother cry when their dad had died, and when he thought Cory was leaving him.  
“Why the hell are you crying?”  
“God now I can’t cry?” Shawn quipped but there was no anger behind it just exhaustion.  
“Shawn, why did you start a fight?” Jack asked calmer this time. He was getting a goddamn answer if he had to drive an hour in the middle of the night and now sit in godforsaken bumper to bumper traffic.  
“I don't really remember what happened. And no not because I was drunk I hadn't even finished my first beer.”  
“Then why don’t you remember?”  
“It all just happened. “  
“Things don’t just happen.”  
“I don’t know! You just don’t get it.”  
“What don’t I get.”  
“People touching you is a real mind fuck when it makes you get flashbacks to being raped,” Shawn screamed and hit the dashboard with his fist.  
They both stopped for a second. Shawn hadn't slept in days and was severely out of it he hadn’t meant to say that but now it was said.  
Jack felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Nothing made any sense right now.  
“What?” Jack said quietly.  
“When I was a junior in high school. I joined this like cultish thing, I don't know, and the guy who ran it was sick.” Shawn explained.  
Jack nodded. What the fuck he thought. How had he not known this, well he knew Shawn and him weren't exactly big on the brotherly love side of things. But it was just confusing.  
“I’m sorry.” was all Jack could think of to say.  
“Yeah well, it doesn’t matter”  
“The hell it doesn’t! Some dude raped you when you were what 16? that's kind of a big deal.”  
“It doesn’t matter.”  
“It made you get in a bar fight and end up in jail that kind of matters.”  
“Dude dropped charges probably doesn’t want his wife to know he was in a gay bar.”  
“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”  
“No your not.”  
“Shawn I am. I know you have this idea that I don’t really care, but I do. I know dad made you feel like that, and you hate yourself for bailing on cory but don’t put that shit on me. I’m doing the best I can.”  
“I’m sorry,” Shawn mumbled turning to the window.  
“Damn kid, just say thank you. I’m gonna text Elanor to make some food and buy some band-aids and ice packs. God you look like hell warmed over” Jack muttered.  
“Thank you,” Shawn said just loud enough jack could hear.  
/2017/  
Shit stayed bad for a little while after that but they were closer for a while, but he married Eleanor and in a few years they were distant again. After they got married they had immediately applied to be foster parents, adopted Olivia and had James soon after. Shawn had gotten a job as a writer and stayed sober. He would still come by and Jack made him call regularly. He felt responsible all the shit the kid went through, and he hadn’t been there it was this guilt he couldn’t quite shake.   
Shawn fixed his eyes on the sky the clouds drift by and the air was cold. He was waiting for jack to do something.  
“What was the wedding like?” Jack said eventually.  
“Good. I was spontaneous I didn’t want to do the whole thing. It was Katy, Maya, me and the Matthews. And some girl who’s Auggie's friend.”  
“Where did you do it?”  
“The roof of the Matthews' apartment building.”  
“Only you Shawn.”  
“Oh, Mr Feeny officiated.”  
“He can do that.”  
“He can for me.”  
“God Feeny haven’t seen him in years.”  
“Still Feeny.” Shawn laughed.  
“How are Cory and Topanga?”  
“Good. They were supposed to go to London for Topanga's job. But they’re such saps they stayed here.”  
“You would have freaked out if they left.”  
“The whole time we were waiting for an answer I felt like I was going to puke,” Shawn admitted.  
A silence fell again, then Shawn decided he should start it up again.  
“So my question?”  
“What should you tell Maya?”  
“Yeah. Because I handled it like shit but you did good.”  
“You did good...eventually.”  
“Yeah, but I don’t think the runaway option is a good one.”  
“Well, I have just pretended I was straight my whole life also not a good option.”  
“But you got married and have this.” Shawn threw his hand in the air gesturing to the house behind hem  
“But I didn’t fall in love,” Jack said fervently.  
Shawn sighed. That was true, Jack was gay not bi like Shawn. He had chosen the McMansion, suite, fancy car life over actually falling in love. Which worked out okay. But it wasn't ideal. Jack had learned the hunter skill of muddle through pretend shit is fine. He had chosen less destructive means like spending too much money on suites and watching lots of gay movies on Netflix.  
“Okay so neither of us have good coping skills.” Shawn placated.  
“So what do we tell her.  
“Don’t run away, don’t develop addictions, don’t marry someone you don’t love?”  
“Well yeah, but I don’t think we should say it like that.”  
“So what do I say?”  
“Why are you asking me, we have established I didn’t handle it well.”  
“You have kids!”  
“I don’t know if my kids are gay!”  
“Okay, but you’ve had kids for years I’ve had a kid for like one.”  
“That's fair,” Jack admitted.  
“I think you tell her to be honest about who she is. And to not wait around hoping Riley will love her the way she wants her to.”  
Shawn nodded. That was good advice.  
“How did I come up with that you get paid to make good words.”  
“When I write things I look at people and my brain whigs out.”  
“Yeah, you suck at that.”  
“Thanks, bro.”  
Jack smiled, Shawn smiled back.  
\---  
All 7 people were in the living room watching the game. Everyone was talking amicably. However, they were also a bit lost in thought.  
Shawn glad he had advice for Maya but terrified that he and Jack still hadn’t had a conversation about the communication blackout which he knew Jack had to be angry about.   
Katy was still a little shaken by the way Eleanor discussed Shawn, she cared that was clear but it wasn’t in the “lovable scamp’” type way the Matthews, Feeny, and Jonathan Turner did. It was frustration and sadness, it was something that was unnerving.   
Eleanor was mad at Shawn because Katy was way too shocked by Eleanor's story then she liked, also thinking about how much she liked Katy she was a down to earth person and talked about Maya like she was the sun. They had talked about the kids after Shawn and it had suffered the ice.   
Maya was thinking it was odd to have cousins and how their view of Shawn was close to Riley's in that he was a bit of a mystery but he was mythical and cool to them but more like Kurt Cobain then like Adam Levine. She also was slightly uncomfortable in the McMansion with the flat screen tv.  
Jack was attempting to keep his emotions in check. The conversations he had with Shawn were always upsetting. But discussing their respective fuck ups was the worst. He also hadn't gotten to ask his question, which was why the hell hadn’t he been invited to the wedding or meet Maya and Katy.  
Dinner rolled around and after the pass, the rolls were done. Jack couldn’t hold it in anymore,  
“Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding?”   
“I told you it was small and not super planned.” Shawn defended.  
“You had time to ask Feeny to marry you.”  
“Yeah, but it was small,” Shawn said not really having an answer.  
“The Matthews were there.”  
“Yeah but it's cory,” Shawn said with a no duh expression.  
“Yeah of course cory,” Jack muttered turning his face from Shawn.  
“Well to be fair, Riley is Maya's best friend, and I'm friends with Topanga. They’re why we know each other.” Katy explained.  
“That makes sense jack,” Eleanor said placatingly.  
Jack sighed. He knew Shawn was lying. It was never that simple with shaw. He played laid back cool guy and people bought, hell even James and Olivia thought that. But he knew better.  
Shawn Looked at jack aware they both knew Shawn wasn’t being totally honest.  
“ So...maya, you do art right?” Oliva asked changing the topic.  
“Yeah, I do.”  
“Favourite medium? I like digital art best, it's perfect for fanart.”  
“I’m a coloured pencil, and acrylics type girl,” Maya said  
“Old school impressive,” Oliva remarked.  
“Well, I like the feeling hell I don’t even mind the fume headaches.”  
“I’m more into graphics, but I do get the feeling thing. Drawing and it coming out right is so satisfying.” Olivia said wistfully.  
“I know. It's like I have this thing that I did it's mine.”  
“Do you post your art anywhere?” Olivia asked.  
“Sure I'll show you after dinner,” Maya said.  
“Cool.”  
“I’m going to be a game designer,” James announced. The attention had not been his most of the day and he was getting a bit annoyed,  
“Cool,” Maya said.  
“Yeah. I’m going to make the games and Olivia will make the cover art.”  
“That's the plan,” Oliva said with a fond smile.  
The ate in silence for a while. Then broke up as James was getting tired.  
Jack and Shawn cleaned up as they hadn’t cooked. In the kitchen, jack turned to face Shawn.  
“What's the real reason?”  
“You know the wrong side of me.” Shawn signed.  
“Shouldn’t they know the whole you?”  
“Katy knows most of it now. The drinking and our father.”  
“Who art in heaven?”  
“Nah man hell for sure.”  
They smiled, but it was mirthless  
“What about the other thing?”   
“Hell no.”  
“Does anyone.”  
“That therapist I saw for a while, and you.”  
“Damn.”  
“It..”  
“Doesn’t matter.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Shawn it's not like I would have come in screaming your life story.”  
“Sure, but you act a certain way around me. Like I’m going to break.”  
“I don’t mean to.”  
“You do though.”  
“I care.”  
“ I know.”  
They hugged.   
“You can’t cut me off again,” Jack remarked,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


	3. Friends and Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Allusions to child abuse

 

Shawn was sitting with Maya. They had gone out for dinner. Maya was looking at him with her dagger eyes. She knew he wanted something.  
“Why am I here?” She said.  
“I needed to talk to you.”  
“About what?”  
“You told me about Riley.”  
“You guessed.”  
“Well, I know about Riley. And I finally thought of good advice.”  
“I’m listening.”  
“Be honest about who you are. And don’t wait around for someone to love you the way you want them too. Because they might not ever love you that way.”  
Maya sat, her chest tightening. She crunched her fists together her eyes falling to look at the bubbles climbing to the top of her cherry coke.  
“Wow.” She said.  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Shawn said.  
Maya touched her face, surprised to feel her cheek was wet. She shuddered and took a bite of her lasagna.  
“You know. You are the third hunter to fall in love with a Matthews.” Shawn mused.  
“Third?”  
“Yeah, Jack had a thing for Eric.”  
“Eric?” Maya gasped.  
“He was different in college.” Shawn shrugged.  
“Really?”  
“I’m pretty sure he did shrooms or something killed what brain cells he had.”  
“That is....accurate but mean,” Maya said.  
“Sorry.”  
“No, your brand of truth is refreshing sometimes.”  
“What does that mean.”  
“Well, most of my advice comes from Cory. Who is very different, I mean even when he taught us the meaning of life....”  
“What he taught you what.”  
“The meaning of life.”  
Shawn smiled and clicked his tongue. “What is the meaning of life?”  
“People change people.” Maya recited.  
“People change people god that sounds like a fortune cookie.” Shawn laughed  
“Hey, he is a great teacher.”  
“I believe you. But that is some vacuous sh....crap.”   
“You can say shit I’m 16.”  
“I’m your dad I’m supposed to set an example.”  
“Yeah, and people curse I hear way worse on the subway and scrawled on the bathroom walls.”  
“Oh public school bathrooms”  
“But still why is it shit?”  
“Cory doesn’t have the frame of reference to know the meaning of life,” Shawn said slowly, trying to figure out how to explain this without sounding like a dick.  
Maya thought for a second. She wasn’t generally the type to default to authority. But she had with Mr Matthews. He had what she wanted, and he was a teacher and old. He did everything right so of course, he knew stuff. But what Shawn said made some sense. She guessed Shawn probably had the same sense Maya did with Riley sometimes, that they were...what the word na- ve or something.   
“Look, im not saying to respect Cory. He’s the best man I know. And the best person second to you and Katy.” He smiled and was pleased Maya smiled back, “It might be that I’ve known him to long..”  
“I get it. You see Mr Matthews the way I see Riley sometimes. Like they just don’t get the way the world really is.”  
Shawn nodded.  
“But I did like your advice. We’re having dinner with the Matthews next weekend.” Maya announced.  
“Why?”  
“Becuase you are going to be there when I tell everyone I’m a lesbian,” Maya said firmly.  
“Sound good.” Shawn smiled.  
\--  
Shawn was at the door to the Matthews. He felt the need to give Cory some shit about telling people who knew the secret to life.  
He walked in and Cory was eating at the table.   
“I need a word with your Cor,” Shawn said.  
“What?” Cory said through a bite of a doughnut.  
“You apparently know the secret of life?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Do you actually think you know the secret of life?”  
“I mean yeah?”  
“Okay but like you're not wise. You're not even Feeny wise.”  
“I know things.”  
“Yeah okay sure. But you're not qualified to tell a bunch of teenagers you know the secret of life. Maya actually believed you, and she doesn’t remember most of the things she learns in school.”  
“See I got her to listen!”  
“but you told her bulshit!”  
“Okay woah,” Cory said. His expression going from amused to hurt, “It’s not bulshit.”  
“It sounds like you opened a chicken soup for the soul book.”  
“It’s true though. Your saying people don’t change people?”  
“Of course they do. “But do your best” is also true. “Treat others the way you want to be treated”, “this too shall pass”, “be yourself” there are a thousand things that are true, it doesn’t make them the secret of life.”  
“You're telling me how to teach?” Cory snapped.  
“No, I’m telling you not to be a so full of yourself.”  
“Ugg.” Cory graond, “why are we fighting about this?”  
“Because cory I genuinely think you shouldn’t tell kids you know the meaning of life. You're betraying their trust.”  
“How? I think I’m right.”  
“Lots of people think their right!”  
“We learned everything from our teachers.”  
“And that worked out so well!”  
“Well we’re here aren’t we.”  
Shawn ran his hand through his hair. “But Cory. They weren’t always right. “ Shawn wavered, he was trying to tell Cory not to build himself up, one it was dumb and cory wasn’t that smart, but letting someone trust you that much was never good.  
“Shawnie what are trying to say?”  
“Don’t let them trust you implicitly,” Shawn said.  
“Why not?”  
“You want them to always trust you?”  
“Of course.”  
“Then don’t break that trust. Let them trust you because you're there for them, and it works out. But make sure they know you're both human”  
“Shawn.” Cory wasn’t always the most intuitive but he could tell something specific was being talked about.   
/February 2017/  
Shawn was sitting in a coffee house. It was a good day when he had adopted Maya but of course, John had to walk in, and Shawn managed to feel 15 again. It was such a shock running through his spine. He had to breathe not let himself fall apart there in that living room. He had been running on the high of adopting Maya and cory and Topanga staying that all the shock and pain of seeing John hadn’t felt this bad then. In some ways, Shawn felt like John had abandoned him just as much as everyone else. Of course, that wasn’t fair. Shawn had asked to leave, and John didn’t choose to get hit by a truck.  
John came in and joined Shawn at his table by the window.  
They sat across from each other looking past each other.  
“Hi,” John said.  
“Hey,” Shawn said.  
“Your wife and daughter. They’re beautiful.”  
“Yes they are.” a smile flit across his face.  
“Why’d you invite me here?”  
“I didn’t see you for years. You called to say you were leaving once you woke up. And I never saw you till last month.” Shawn said.  
“That was years ago.”  
“We have things called phones? Now you can call, text or email. It's pretty crazy.” Shawn said scathingly.  
“I know. I could have called.”  
“Don’t worry I’m mad at Cory too for never telling me you guys were like friends now.”  
“Well, I like Cory helped him get a job.”  
“Yeah,” Shawn muttered. He had been the one John should have been looking out for. He promised to do that right?  
“You're angry.”  
“Yes.”   
“You didn’t seem angry before.”  
“Things were happening and people were watching.”  
Shawn drank from his cup of black coffee. He had adopted the habit because it made him feel like a real writer. But right now it made him feel like he was wearing adult shoes that didn’t fit. John nodded towards the counter and got up to order.  
John felt like shit, he had just chosen to let Shawn be. After learning he had run away John felt guilty it could, possibly, have been the wrong decision. I mean honestly sometimes still thought he shouldn’t have let Chet have him back anyway. But Shawn seemed good. He had read his writing it was good. He got a tea and came and sat across from Shawn again.  
“I’ve read some stuff you’ve written.”  
“How's my grammar,” Shawn said, an attempt at levity.  
“Good actually. You must have paid attention in college.”  
“Psh no. I just use spell check.”  
They smiled.  
“It is good Shawn. I like your poetry better than your articles though, the photography with that work is fantastic.”  
“How’d you find that?”  
“I google,” John remarked.  
They went back to pretending not to see the other. Acting unaware of the pain etched across the other face. Shawn fiddled with his cup counting the green cars whizzing by, an anxiety technique he learned in rehab. He didn’t want to fall apart here and now. He had spent months shoving everything down and now it was trying to come back up out his throat and ruin everything.  
“I’m sorry if I let you down, Shawn,” John said.   
“You didn’t..’  
“I did though.”  
“Your right. You let me go back to Chet. I mean what the hell were you thinking that was so stupid of me you could have stopped me and you didn’t. You could have signed the papers when you got them. You could have actually seen me when you got better. You could have seen me in the past I don’t know over a decade you’ve been gone.” Shawn said.  
John looked at the table. That was quite a few coulda-shoulda-woulda that he didn’t really have answers for. He was old and full of guilt, there wasn’t anything to say about this except.  
“I’m sorry Shawn.”  
“I know that, I do. I didn’t even realise I was still this mad till you sat down.” Shawn scoffed.  
“I mean we never talked about any of it. Not that you actually talk about your feelings.”  
“Yeah... I never would have told you anything.”  
John grimaces into his tea.   
“I am sorry the last time we talked, I was angry. I never stopped feeling guilty for that.” Shawn said.  
“You were a kid. Kids are dumb.”  
“It’s just worse when you actually trust someone. When they don’t live up to the trust.” Shawn said quietly.  
“Shawn...”  
“It’s fine.”  
“Yeah,”  
They talked a little more, about Maya, and writing the wall stayed up, to long had passed Shawn thought.  
\---  
/December 2017/  
“Yes im talking about John, and Feeny and everybody. If they trust you to be their teacher, friend they’ll come to you. If they think you have an answer for it all, it’s worse when you have nothing.” Shawn explained, “Plus what life experience do you have to give them the meaning of life. Your an upper-middle-class white dude, the hardest things that have ever happened to you is fighting with Topanga. You did the perfect path. High School, college, married, two kids, an all American job.”  
“Just because I’m not crazy like you doesn’t mean I know nothing.”  
“You didn’t even notice what was going on with Maya. You watched me self-destruct for years and you didn’t see the same thing in Maya? Your daughter who literally thinks clouds are cotton candy saw it and you didn’t”  
“What does that have to do with anything. I helped her with that talk to her father, gave her a phone, fed her. Introduced her to you!”  
“Ugh, Shawn. What if it had been worse? What if Katy wasn’t trying to be a good mom?”  
Cory was hit by the depth of what Shawn said then. He didn’t think much on what he had missed all those years. He didn’t like to face when he was wrong it could actually hurt things. It was childish but things tended to work out. But there was the fact that Cory knew he had missed a lot of the pain Shawn was in growing up, and throwing it in his face he could have done the same thing to Maya was low.   
“I never meant to ignore Maya's or yours, or anyone's problems.”  
“Cory just tell me, tell me you’ll stop acting like you know god damn everything. Your human and you fuck up and it's fine.”  
They stood there breathing hard like they had been running when Topanga and the kids showed up at the door, They had been doing something more fun than yelling at your best friend.  
“Should we leave?” Topanga questioned  
“No,” Shawn said.  
He walked to the freezer and pulled out ice cream. He had no idea what he was doing, but he had told Katy he would work out problems, and god damn it he should practice on cory.  
He used a serving spoon and shovelled a giant bit of mint chocolate ice cream.  
“Hey, that's mine,” Auggie said.  
“Kid when your fighting about decades-long grudges you get the ice cream.”  
“it's forever till I’m that old.”  
“Shorter than you think.” Cory scoffed.  
Auggies made a face.  
“Riley, Auggie go away your father is having issues,” Topanga said.  
“Why are we fighting?”  
“Shawn is mad at my teaching,” Cory said  
“Why?” Topanga said.  
“He doesn’t know everything,” Shawn said through ice cream.  
“Well no.”  
“Shawn is mad about a whole bunch of stuff that happened years ago,” Cory said.  
“And? I’m good at being hurt I have lots of practice.” Shawn said.  
“Sit!” Topanga commanded.  
The guy sat at the table.  
“You two are too old to be yelling at each other. Grow up.”  
“Okay, but Cory shouldn’t let the kids think he’s perfect. He will let them down.”  
“They don’t think Cory is perfect.” Topanga laughed.  
“We didn’t act like we thought Feeny was perfect. But we all thought he had every answer.” Shawn explained.  
“He’s got a point,” Topanga said sitting.  
“What do you want me to do not give them answers.”  
“At least give them advice, instead of answers,” Shawn said.  
“I can do that,” Cory said.  
Shawn wasn’t really mad at Cory, he couldn’t ever stay mad at cory. For better or worse, Cory was oblivious and that lead to being self-absorbed, but they loved each other more than any of this anger.  
Shawn smiled and shook his head as he grabbed another spoon, pushed the container out so Cory could eat too.  
Cory smiled back.  
“Sorry I got so mad cory.”  
“It’s fine, I yelled too.”  
“We need more ice cream,” Shawn said.  
“We have more,” Topanga said and threw rocky road on the table.  
\---  
The Hunters and Matthews were sat around the table. As the main course wrapped up Maya looked at Shawn her eyes wide, Shawn gave her a smile and nod.  
“I have something to say!” Maya said.  
“Okay. whats up peaches.” Riley said sweetly.  
Mya floundered and looked at Shawn.  
“Maya just tell them, it will be fine.” Shawn urged.  
“I’m a lesbian.” Maya said, “I know I thought I liked boys, But I didn’t I mean they're cute but. Girl,s are better.”   
Everyone sat quietly for a while.  
“Maya...” Katy said.  
“I’m sorry I never said before I didn’t want anything to be worse.” Maya preemptively defended herself.  
Katy just stood up and gave Maya a hug.  
Auggie looked slightly confused.  
“You are not upset?” Maya said.  
Topanga hugged Maya as well, “Of course not.”  
“We like that you told us, Maya,” Cory said.  
Maya looked at Riley who she had expected to say something first. She looked confused.  
“What about Josh? And Lucas?”   
“Well, the whole Lucas thing...doesn’t count. And yeah josh is cute, but he was unattainable so it didn’t actually matter.”  
“What?” Riley said.  
“Riles i ..”  
“Bay window! Right now!” Riley said running to her room.  
The adult looked around at each other.  
“You knew?” Katy said to Shawn.  
“Only for like a month, well I guessed before that,” Shawn said  
Katy hit Shawn's arms and sighed.   
“Why’d she tell you?” Topanga said  
Shawn shrugged.   
\---  
Riley and Maya sat on the window seat.  
“You never told me,” Riley said.  
“I didn’t even realise it till recently...ish” Maya mumbled.  
“You tell me everything.”  
“I’m scared.”  
“What are you scared of ?” Riley said turning to face Maya.  
“That things would change,” Maya whispered.  
“Things always change, that's growing up.”  
“But things were good.”  
“But maybe things can just get even better.”  
“Maybe.” Maya sighed.  
Riley laid her head on Maya's shoulder. She was angry Maya hadn’t told her this. They were best friends, forever and ever. Riley loved Maya, she loved Maya more than anyone besides her family. Riley had always known gay people were a thing, and there were a few students that were in a GSA but she’d never known, known a gay person. So she hadn’t considered it an option? That didn’t really make sense, but that was something other people were. She looked at Maya who looked scared, but the low winter sunlight made Maya's blond hair look like it glowed itself. Riley's heart raced and her stomach was flooded with butterflies. Riley leaned over and kissed Maya.  
“Riley!” Maya said jumping.  
“I love you, Maya,” Riley said low.  
“Your dating Lucas.”  
“I can break up with him.”  
“But you like him.”  
“I love you,” Riley said standing up taking Maya's hands.  
“I love you too,” Maya said.  
They hugged.  
\--  
Christmas 2018.  
Riley and Maya were in a tangle on the couch. Shawn was happy Maya didn’t go through what he and Jack did. Topanga and Amy were cooking in the kitchen. Auggies was messing with Josh and Alan. Katy was sitting next to him on the large bay window.  
Shawn was calm, he was okay. Which to most people sounds weak, but honestly okay was all he was ever looking for. Nothing hurt, looking at these people didn’t hurt anymore. Ghosts still danced in the shadows and some days he still felt like he was suffocating. Some things were probably always going to hurt, but it hurt less. He was seeing a therapist again. Which was probably good, it sucked, but he did it for Maya and Katy.  
Katy leaned on his shoulder. The room smelled like Christmas and the sounds of people laughing it was a goddamn mickey mouse special, and he felt like he belonged.


End file.
